


Who am I?

by Robron101



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, implied mentions of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 08:23:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6649963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robron101/pseuds/Robron101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron fills out the document to have his name changed from Livesy to Dingle. He wonders if it'll change things and calls Robert for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who am I?

**Author's Note:**

> So it's pretty much a continuation of what happened outside the pub after the verdict, and of course Robert is being the wonderful supportive boyfriend! 
> 
> Didn't proof read so sorry if there are a lot of mistakes.

He had woken up alone, the first time since he'd asked Robert to stay over that night. He found it disappointing to wake up alone, missing the warmness that would settle in his chest from waking up and finding Robert there beside him. He had sighed and rolled over to the side Robert was adamant about sleeping on. He'd stayed over enough now that that side of the bed was beginning to smell like the older man. Aaron buried his face in the pillow he uses and took a big whiff of his scent. He quietly sighed before getting up and dressed. 

Downstairs was empty; no sign of Robert, Liv, or his mum. This would be the first time he'd been alone since the verdict. Since the day of the guilty verdict Aaron made it so he wasn't alone for long. He didn't like being alone with himself, his mind would go to places he didn't want to be. With Robert everything in the world was shut out except for them. It was easy to forget things when he was with Liv – she created this bubble of happiness inside of him that took him out of the world. With his Mum around he found it easy to not think at all because he was so busy trying to keep up with her constant chatter. 

Now he was alone and he didn't have a clue what to do. He settled for making him a sarnie, but when all that was said and done he was at a loss for something to do. He could have called Robert, but truth was Aaron didn't want to be that person who depended on his _boyfriend_ for everything. 

He opted instead for doing some laundry – he knew his sheets needed to be washed again and since Robert had been delving into his clothing instead of going to Vic's to get more he was running low on jumpers and clean underwear. After he got the washing started he found himself once again at a loss. He walked past his room and there on the dresser sat the document his Mum had given him Friday after the verdict. 

He picked up the paper and he found that it felt heavier than it should have. He took it back downstairs with him, grabbed a pen out of a drawer and took a seat at the table. He filled out all the lines where it directed him to do so, but once he reached the very last line he stopped. It's the place where he needed to put his signature to make it official. 

_Come on. Sign it. It's just a stupid name!_ Aaron told himself. He didn't want to think his next words but he couldn't stop himself. _So what the hell does it really matter?_

That's what had been stopping him from filling it out. It was only a name. Changing it wouldn't change what had happened to him. While he wanted all of his ties to his father cut, he knew the memories would always be with him. Sitting there in the back of his mind, an itch he can't scratch, memories that he could get rid of if he cut deep enough. 

_NO!_ His mind screamed at him. _You won't do that. You won't let him win that way._

Aaron didn't want to be alone anymore. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and found Rob's name in the contacts. He hit the call button and waited . . . waited . . .waited. He picked up on the third ring. 

“Hey,” he could hear Robert's smile in his voice. Aaron couldn't believe the relief that flooded through him, the need to hurt himself pushed from his mind. 

“Hi,” he said so low that it instantly worried Robert. 

“What's wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?” Aaron rolled his eyes even though the way he seemed so concerned so instantly made him feel safe. _He cares,_ Aaron thought, _he really does care._

“Where are you?” Aaron asked. 

“On my way to you,” Robert hadn't been planning to go to the Woolpack until later but something in Aaron's voice told him he needed him without Aaron having to voice it. 

“Don't change your plans for me,” Aaron didn't want to disrupt Robert's life with his problems, no matter how badly he wanted him here. Robert's words floated through his mind. _You know I guess I want you to be able to rely on me too._ “I need you . . .” He whispered. 

“Be there in ten,” the line went dead. Aaron blew out a long breath. He had to make it ten minutes and then Robert would be there to take him in his arms and make things better. Ten minutes. 

***

He'd made it there in six minutes from speeding even though he almost wrecked when he went around a bend having to swerve to miss a runaway sheep in the road. He was still cursing the sheep in his mind when he walked through the back door of the pub and found Aaron sitting at the table. Forgetting his near death experience by runaway sheep; he walked over and took a seat next to the younger man, putting a hand on his shoulder. One look at Aaron's eyes, Robert knew he was struggling. 

“What's wrong?” Robert squeezed his shoulder lightly, giving him comfort without pushing it. If Robert had his way, Aaron would already be in his lap with him planting kisses on Aaron's lips to take away the look from his eyes. _We're taking it slow_ , Robert told himself. _It's what he wants that matters right now. It'll be worth it._

“Who am I?” Aaron asked. Robert stared at him for a minute, trying to understand the question. Aaron didn't give him any hints so he said the only thing he could think of. 

“You're Aaron,” _smooth Robert. Real smooth_. He could have slapped himself when he saw Aaron roll his eyes. 

“I know my name, you Muppet,” Aaron ran his hand over the piece of paper. “Well maybe I don't,” he muttered low enough so Robert didn't catch the words. “Who am _I_?” 

Robert looked over at the piece of paper under Aaron's hand. It was the legal document to have his name changed. “I see,” Robert said. “Aaron I think it's great that you want to change your name. You should change it; but if you feel like you're going to lose your identity then maybe you should wait.”

Aaron shook his hand off. He didn't get it. “It's not about losing my identity! I don't know who the hell I am so I have nothing to lose. Who am I, Robert? Am I that little boy that his dad . . . or am I this man who has been broken by what his dad did?” 

“Aaron those aren't you're only two options. Remember in court what I said? He's the sort of person you want to be . . . and to be with. I meant those words. Aaron, you're amazing. I'd give anything to be like you. Selfless, brave, so loving. Don't let what that man did to you, define you. You are better than that. Much so.” 

“You asked me once,” Aaron began, “well I don't know if you remember – you were really drunk, but um you asked if I ever thought about the future.” 

“I remember,” that was a memory he wasn't proud of. “Then I tried to kiss you.” 

“Do you remember my answer?” 

He remembered his. He had told Aaron he was afraid of being alone, that was still something he feared. “You said that you didn't think about it.” 

“Still don't,” Robert began to say something but Aaron held up his hand to stop him. “I've tried. Tried to see what I want in life, but there's nothing. Back then I was just trying to get by. Live day by day without taking the easy way out and killing myself,” Robert sucked in a sharp breath and grabbed Aaron's hand. 

“You can never do that!” 

“I know,” Aaron said. “It's not easy but I know that I don't want to . . . but sometimes it's hard remember why.” 

“Well when you feel that way; call me,” Robert said. 

“I did,” Aaron whispered. Robert's grip on his hand tightened. “That's why I needed you.” 

“I'm here,” he said and promised, “I'll always be here.” 

Aaron nodded but didn't say anything. He'd made it once, but it wasn't enough for him to trust him fully . . . yet. “Back then it was easier when you were around. Those moments I got with you made it possible to be happy for a little while at least. You made me want to stay alive.” 

“Then let me be that reason again,” Robert said. “Let me be the reason to keep going. When you need me, call. When you're scared and alone, call. Don't you dare ever give up.” 

“I want . . . you to be that reason. I do, but it's not that easy. I don't know where to begin,” Aaron found himself lacing his fingers with Robert's. The connection being more like a life line than just a set of hands locked together. 

“Start with this,” Robert grabbed the piece of paper from the table with his free hand. “Let this be the beginning of a new start for you.” 

“What do I do after that?” _It's just a name_ , Aaron told himself again. 

“We'll figure that out together, but for now start with this. Let this new name be a new beginning towards happiness. I told you that you deserve to be really happy and to give it a go. Well here's where you can begin.” 

“A name isn't going to make me forget what happened,” Aaron tried to pull his hand away from Robert, but he held on tight. It annoyed Aaron but at the same time it felt nice for someone to hold tight to him. 

“You told me that you have to find a way to live with them . . . well here's how you begin to do that. Let this be your first happy memory to help replace the old ones. In time you'll build others to replace more of the bad ones.” 

“How do I do that?” Aaron felt the sting of tears in his eyes. He was so sick of crying, but he could never stop them from coming. 

“By living. Moving forward. You do it by doing the things you love. You make new memories with your family, with Liv, your mates, and with . . .” _Me_ , Robert thought the word but didn't say it out loud. Aaron knew though. 

“With you,” Aaron finished for him. The first tear fell and he reached up to wipe it away before Robert could notice, but he wasn't fast enough. 

“Hopefully,” Robert gave him a half smile. “Hopefully when you start to see a future for yourself, I'm there.” 

_You will be_ , Aaron thought but couldn't say it out loud because he wasn't sure. “It's gonna be hard. I'm gonna be a mess, Robert. There are going to be days when I'm not going to be able to pick myself up and go about my business. Are you ready for that?” 

Robert didn't answer right away, making sure that his next words were exactly the right thing to say. Aaron held his breath while he waited. “If you can't pick yourself up, then I will do it for you. _I will be there_!” 

“Good,” was all Aaron said but he felt a tightness in his chest loosen. One that had been there since Robert had kissed him. That fear he was going to hurt Aaron all over again. Aaron grabbed the pen sitting next to the piece of paper. “Here's to new a start,” he whispered before signing the paper. He felt different, but it wasn't because of the signature but from Robert's words. “Thank you.” 

“You're welcome,” Robert reached over and wiped away another stray tear. Aaron laughed and pulled his hand free of Robert's to wipe his face to remove any other tears. 

“I'm a disaster,” he laughed again. 

“You're perfect,” Robert cupped the right side of his face and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to Aaron's lips.


End file.
